The WTF Situation
by QueenOfSleep
Summary: So, there I was, minding my own business... not doing anything suspicious... Except wishing that I was in Marauders Era Harry Potter World. But that's normal, right? Then... HOLY SH-!  Rating due to coarse language, other material more teen-friendly
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter universe... If I did, people would still be ALIVE**

**Anyway... so this was supposed to be a parody, but turned out to be at least semi-serious, so I'm guessing that kind of explains the change in writing in the prologue :)  
So, on we go with the story...**

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**The Holy **** Situation**

_**Prologue: What the...?**_

So, there I was, minding my own business on the train, not doing anything suspicious… Except for wishing that I was in Marauders Era Harry Potter World. But that's normal, right? _Right?_ Okay, not right. Still… wouldn't it be awesome? Oh great, now someone's looking at me. I'm staring back. Now she's moving away. Being creepy is just so much fun *ACTIVATE MANGA-CUTENESS YET CREEPY ^^!* I'm just kidding. I don't read manga. But I watch anime!

Anyways, back to the story: there I was. Minding my own business, wishing to be in the Great Hall of Hogwarts about to be sorted… HOLY FUCKING CRAP WTF!

I was being sucked in by some creepy white orb that had totally just appeared in front of me, and apparently, no one else noticed! How odd… Staring up at a starry night-sky, I got the feeling that I was falling… wtf? Candles hovering in mid-air? I mean seriously? BANG!

"Aj…" I muttered in Swedish, my native tongue. At least I landed softly. Well, kind of softly.

A lot of kids who looked like they were eleven or something were staring at me. _Hello? Am I some kind of freakshow? I think not!_ Then I realized that whatever soft thing I had landed on was trying to move. _Uh-oh_, I immediately stood up and looked down. The soft thing I had landed on turned out to be four other kids.

Deciding to be nice I heaved two of them up at the same time and then the other two, apologizing. "Förlåt, förlåt, jag har ingen aning om hur…" my voice trailed off. They didn't seem to understand me. Why not? Oh… they were wearing Hogwarts Uniforms. How queer. And I mean 'queer' like Skeleton Jack means it when he's singing in Christmas town or whatever in Nightmare Before Christmas, not as in gay.

"Ah… hehe… Is this Hogwarts?" My voice came out all squeaky as I looked around me. Yep… four tables, wall decorations with badgers, lions, ravens and snakes… Yellow, Red, Blue, Green… and of course, older-looking people staring at me like I was – you guessed it – a freak. Which is normally how people look at me. Once, I was walking to school and some woman stared at me like I was He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named himself. Well, technically if you were referring to me it would be more like '_She_-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named _her_self'. Glad to have sorted that out. I looked up to where the professors table must be and sure enough, some familiar people were sitting there, as shocked as all the students.

A tall, white-haired and long-bearded old man stood up and I totally squealed in delight. "Dumbledore!"

The man smiled. "Why yes, this is Hogwarts, and correct, I am professor Dumbledore. Now, the question is who are you, miss?"

"Uh… eh… well…"

"Well?"

"I am… Emelie… P-Pettersson… and I can't fu-" I interrupted myself before I could finish that word in the midst of eleven-year-olds. "I can scarcely believe it! You're Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore chuckled. "I've never heard such a young person like you call me by my full name."

"Well… I try to remember stuff…" I looked around the great hall, expecting to see a certain Harry Potter staring at me with Ron and Hermione. Nope… No HP… There didn't seem to be any Weasley's there either. Odd… How far back in time am I?

"Is something troubling you, miss Pettersson?" Lol, it sounds so weird to be called 'miss', hell it sounds weirder to hear Dumbledore speaking. It's also kind of weird hearing a British person saying my surname. Fail at pronunciation ftw.

"Yeah… you might say that… This might sound strange, but… What year is it?"

"1975. The 1st of September." Dumbledore smiled.

"Seventy-five? _But that's twenty fucking years before I'm born!_" Damn it squeaky voice! "I think I need to sit down…" All of the kids around me immediately backed away. Dumbledore furrowed his eyebrows.

Dumbledore whispered something to someone who looked like McGonagall who nodded and stood up. "Miss Pettersson, follow me." I did as I was told, knowing McGonagall was a plus at least, and followed her into the small room where, like 19 years later a certain Harry Potter would be confronted about his name being spat out by the goblet of fire.

"Wait here." McGonagall said briskly and returned to the Great Hall. I turned around and watched the fire in the fireplace. Shortly afterwards I could hear how the door opened and in came Dumbledore. It seemed like they had started the sorting.

"So, miss Pettersson, you seem to have travelled through time."

"Uh-huh… And space. Oh crap…"

"What?"

"I… I'm from the future right? So… What if I change the past?"

"Well, that would put you in an awkward position once you return to where you were before this happened." His blue eyes twinkled. Okay, I am never going to ask to meet a hot guy with eyes like those ever again, because those are just fricking creepy.

"Umm… Professor?"

"Yes?"

"I… What will we do in the meantime? I'm no witch. At least I don't think so… maybe Swedish magical training starts later. Like way later."

"Well, you got here somehow didn't you? What did you do?"

"I was sitting on a train, wishing to be about to be sorted at Hogwarts during the Marauders Era…"

"Marauders?"

"Eh… James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew… And Lily Po-eh, Evans and Snape. Severus Snape."

"Well, they're all here… I dare say your wish came true."

"Oh great." I felt myself sinking down; being caught by a comfy armchair just conjured by Dumbledore.

"It seems that you were subject to very powerful magic, perhaps it was even your own doing…" Dumbledore started and I groaned. "Would you like to try using a wand?"

"Huh? Whose wand?"

"How about mine? If I am correct that you are indeed a witch, then I will make sure you get your own wand." He reached out with the wand in his hand, giving me the handle first.

"… I don't know much about wands, but aren't you supposed to like… 'conquer' it to make it work?"

Dumbledore smiled. "Why yes, but I think that you'd be able to do _something_ with it." His eyes twinkled again. Cursed twinkly eyes. It seemed like they were mocking me. I took the wand, and tried to think of any easy spell in the HP-world.

"Eh…" I pointed at the fireplace. "_Aguamenti?_" and WOW, I have to say _wow_, sure it didn't work like I wanted it to (instead of spurting water at the fire it kind of drenched me in water, but whatever, I did s_omething_) _I_ did _magic_.

"See?" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he took back the wand (which I just now realized must be the Elder Wand but I didn't mention anything) and dried me up with it. "It seems I was correct."

"Yeah… Eh, professor… what happens if I reveal something about the future?"

"I imagine we'd have the same problem as if you changed the past."

"Right… What will I do here?"

"Frankly, I don't know. I suppose that you could always be sorted and attend classes here for a while?"

"…"

"…"

"I don't have any basic knowledge of magic… and I refuse to start first year."

Dumbledore chuckled. "Well it would be quite a sight, wouldn't it?"

"…"

"To me, it seems you have _some_ knowledge of magic, but how far does it go?"

"I know a few spells and curses… but that's about it."

"Curses?"

"… the Unforgivable curses… which I swear I will never use or teach anyone. This might require some explanation… You see, where I'm from, there's a certain book series about this world, and Hogwarts, and at one point, there's mentioned how you use them and what the Unforgivable Curses are… also Horcruxes, but I'd never be stupid enough to do something like that."

"Well, I won't pry further into the future, and I advise you to be careful about what you're saying, but I think you should be put in the year that you would have been had you been here since you were eleven."

"I'm fifteen."

"Fifth year it is. Which is also the year of these 'marauders' as you call them." His eyes twinkled again. I swear I could see him wink at me too, what was this? Did he know the reason why I had wished to be here? I hope not…

"Well, we should get you sorted then. Mr. Ollivander, I suppose you have heard of him, yes?" I nodded and he continued. "Mr. Ollivander will be here tomorrow with some wands for you to try out."

"Okidoki." I was just about to walk out of there to be sorted and then stopped. "You know… not many spells were covered in those books I read… How am I going to catch up with everyone else?"

Dumbledore just smiled. "I'll make sure someone tutors you. How about Lily Evans? Excellent grades and I'm sure she wouldn't mind tutoring you no matter what house you're sorted into."

"Right. Can I be sorted now?"

"Of course." I followed him out to the Great Hall where the last first year was currently running off to the Slytherin table. I waited by the end of the professors table, close to where Hagrid was sitting, as Dumbledore walked back to his seat.

When Dumbledore reached his seat, he didn't sit down but remained standing, thereby catching everyone's attention.

"Welcome, all of you to Hogwarts, but before we begin our feast, I would like to introduce to you, miss Emelie Pettersson, who appeared here in quite an unorthodox manner." Dumbledore smiled my way. "She will attend the fifth-year classes with the rest of you fifth-years, but first she will be sorted." Wow, people applauded me. "Also I am sorry to say that no, those of you who tries to ask her about the future, as I am sure that you all have realized by now that she's from there, will not receive an answer."

The applauding died out. Dumbledore gestured to the Sorting Hat and I walked over there, sat down on the stool, and put the hat over my head.

'_Well, well, well…'_ It mumbled in my ear.

_Well, well, what?_

'_The future eh? Well, don't worry, I won't reveal any of the things I find in your head…'_

_Well that's reassuring._

The hat chuckled. _'Hmm… you are most difficult to place…'_

_I was thinking the exact same thing! Knowing me, it could be anywhere._

'_Anywhere indeed. Intelligence and loyalty… Bravery and cunning…'_

_Just so you know, I wouldn't _find_ being in Hufflepuff any fun. And probably not Ravenclaw either. In fact, I was thinking more of Gryffindor. I wouldn't mind Slytherin generally, but if I was to be sorted into Slytherin I'd rather it would be sometime around 1995, if I was this old._

'_Hmmm… I can see that you would indeed fit in both Gryffindor and Slytherin, but if you insist…'_

"GRYFFINDOR!" _Hell yeah! Sirius Black here I come…_

I made my way to the Gryffindor table and squeezed down right next to a black-haired guy with glasses. James Potter. But you knew that already.

"Hellooooo…" I said. The Marauders stared at me, half intrigued, half scared. What? I was using my creepy voice.

"Hellooooo…" Sirius said and let me tell you this; HOT! Totally failing at the creepy part but I guess he wasn't trying to be creepy.

"Sirius. James. Remus. Peter." I nodded at all of them as I said their nicknames. They looked at me in shock. "I'm from the future."

Still no answer.

"I know about the map…"

James broke free of whatever had stunned him. "Schh! Are you crazy?"

"Probably, but you know what?" I lowered my voice to a whisper and everybody leaned closer to hear what I was saying. And by everybody I mean the Marauders, because apparently, everyone else was like, 'eh she's from the future, who cares?'. I feel so loved.

"What?" He whispered back.

"You're totally making us look suspicious."

"…"

"…"

"She's got a point, James." Remus said. Damn it, my eyes nearly teared up when I thought of Teddy…

"Thank you!" I said in a happy voice. Then I totally gawked my eyes out at the food on the table. Seriously… there were _mountains_ of chicken and what else you wanted!

I grabbed the chicken first. Because duh! It's chicken! Delicious chicken… I like it more than pizza, I swear! Oh… delicious pizza…

As everyone else dug in, Remus began chatting with me. _Teddy… SNAP OUT OF IT! THIS IS THE HAPPIEST TIME IN HIS LIFE GODDAMMIT! Well it should be._

"So, Emelie… Where are you from?"

"Sweden."

"Really?" Sirius looked up, eyes shining brightly.

"Jeesh, does that assumption exist _everywhere?_"

"What assumption?"

"What were you assuming?"

"…"

I raised an eyebrow.

"I think Sirius assumed that you were ah… kinda slutty?" James said hesitantly. Cool, so that meant my awesome powers over creeping guys out by looking at them work on wizards who hadn't even heard my reputation before too. Awesome.

"Hooray…" No way was I going to tell them of my serious case of love for Sirius.

"…"

"What? I was being ironic."

"What year are you from?" Remus asked, apparently trying to steer the conversation away from my supposed slutty-ness.

"2011. Which means you guys," I waved my fork at James and Sirius, "will be waaay too old to run around looking for me once I return to the future."

"Sod it."

"… What if you can't go home?" Peter said. Little rat…

"Then… I'm going to kill myself before I'm born again but I'll leave a message first if my 'future' me comes back here and has to start all over again."

No one said a thing.

"I'm joking. I would force the ministry of magic to have me sent into the future. But first making me as young as I was when I got here."

"Now that's sensible."

"Thanks Moony. What?" The last part was directed at Sirius and James, who were eyeing me from tip to toe.

"Your clothes are weird." James said.

"… They're from the future."

"Does everyone in the future dress like that?" I looked down on my black tutu and studded belt.

"No. Only the people other ignorant people call 'emo' and stuff."

"What's 'emo'?"

"… voi vittu."

"What does that mean?"

"… Nothing you need to know." Sirius actually looked sad at this. Like, puppy-dog-sad. Creepy.

"So…" Remus said, apparently sensing the profanity and trying to steer the conversation in another direction. "How much magic do you know?"

_Crap…_

"A bit."

"Just how much is 'a bit'?" James inquired. _Crap…_

"I know some spells and stuff. But not the fundamental laws of magic. Except for no creating actual love or food. And of course, not raising the dead…"

"And you're going to be a fifth-year?"

"Yes." I smiled cruelly at James. "Lily Evans is going to tutor me…" I purred and watched how he immediately looked at said girl who seemed to purposely be sitting as far away from him as possible.

"How… how do you know of Lily?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "I'm from _the future_. There are _books_ where the lot of you is mentioned. Even Snivellus."

"_What?_" James managed to get out through a mouthful of shepherd's pie.

"Yes."

"But- _how?_"

"… Sorry Jamesie, can't tell you that." Damn, this was going to be hard…

"Why not?"

"Because I can't."

"Em…" Sirius whined. _So that's why he's a dog… awesome puppy-dog-skills… huh._

I sighed. "I suppose you haven't heard of the grandfather paradox?" Blank stares met me everywhere. _Gee Moony, I thought you were the intelligent one?_

"What's a paradox?" Sirius asked and I sighed again.

"'I always tell the truth, but this is a lie', that's a paradox."

"That was… contradictory." Remus said quietly and I nodded in an overly clear way and I could literally see the lightbulb go off over his head. Okay, it was a candle but whatever. "A paradox is something that contradicts itself?"

"There's more to it, but sure. Anyway, the grandfather paradox is about time travel, if someone went back in time and killed his or her grandfather before he met the persons grandmother, one of the persons parents would never be born and therefore neither would the person."

"…"

"…"

"… Then why aren't you scared that you'll never be born?" James said after a couple of seconds of quiet contemplation.

"Because all of my grandparents are in Sweden. I can, however, screw up other people future lives so… Hehe…" *cue ^^ plus creepy smile!*.

They all looked at me in disbelief until Sirius shrugged. "Oh well." He said. "In your world this has probably already happened so you should be fine."

My jaw dropped to the floor. "That's like, one of the smartest things I've heard you say."

"… Thanks." Sirius seemed a bit offended while the others were snickering to themselves. He glared at them and stabbed a potato with his fork.

"You're welcome." I said and returned to eating my chicken. Gosh, how was I going to fit down dessert?

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**Soooo... what do you think...? Is it good? Is it horrible?**

**Translation of the sentences in swedish:**

_**"Aj" - "Ouch"  
"Förlåt, förlåt, jag har ingen aning om hur…" - "Sorry, sorry, I have no idea how..."  
**_**"Voi vittu" is finnish and I'm not going to translate that (hint: it's a swear)**

**And one more thing: I don't own the Nightmare Before Christmas either, or A Very Potter Musical (or Sequel).**

_**Right now it seems like this site hates me so that's why the title of the story and the title of the chapter isn't in the center as I told them to be.**_


	2. Chapter 1: A wand! Yay!

_**Chapter 1: A wand! Yay!**_

By the time we got back to the Gryffindor common room I was stuffed. I had actually managed to eat some ice cream as well! You know, I wonder how they keep it cold… oh right, magic.

Anyway, we all (except Remus since he had prefect duties) stopped outside the portrait of the Fat Lady who seemed to be busy drinking butterbeer with her friend. Amazingly enough, she seemed to be on the verge of becoming drunk. On butterbeer. I thought that just house-elves got drunk on that!

"Eh…" James stopped so suddenly that Peter walked straight into him. "What's the password?"

"Didn't Moony say that?" Peter asked and tried to get up. He fell down onto the floor again. Mainly because I tripped him when no one was looking, but also because he's a bigger klutz than Neville.

"Eh… no…"

"…"

"…"

I sighed and helped Peter up. What? I can be nice if I want to…

"Are you going to stand there all night?" The Fat Lady said in an irritated tone and then hiccupped.

"No, only until a Gryffindor Prefect passes by and gives us the password…" I said as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Unless we guess!" Sirius said. I could almost see his animagus-self wagging his tail. Wait a minute… this was the start of their fifth year… so they're not animaguses/animagi (how do you say it in plural?) yet! Gosh I'm slow.

"Sure…" I said sarcastically. "Hmm, let me see… Hakuna Matata?"

Everyone stared at me as if I was insane.

"What? I was being ironic…"

"Anyway…" James said and looked around the hallway (which was empty, because if it wasn't all the other students would probably realize that this is where the Gryffindors sleep! I'm surprised they haven't already). "I don't suppose you could let us in?"

"No!"

I began going over all the Gryffindor passwords I had heard. They all seemed pretty random, I mean it would've been way easier guessing the Slytherin password, so I began muttering words to myself while the others tried to coax the Fat Lady into opening up.

"Slytherin sucks!"

"Oh come on Peter, be a little original…"

"Sorry…"

"Okay, could you give us a clue or two?" James asked and ruffled his hair. Jeesh, Lily's not even here…

"Can we ask you questions?" I asked and the Fat Lady reluctantly nodded in agreement.

"Okay… is it magical?" First things first.

"Yes."

"Is it a spell?" Peter asked and the Fat Lady shook her head.

"Why would it be a spell?" Sirius said and looked at Peter. "Is it a… a… an animal?"

"Yes."

"Does it fly?"

"Yes."

"So it's a flying animal… well that's a lot… Billywigs, Hippogriffs, Pegasus…"

"Thestral."

The portrait of the Fat Lady swung open and the others looked impressed.

"What's a thestral?" Peter asked and tripped on his way inside the common room. James pulled him up when Remus appeared from the boys dorm.

"It's a big scary horse with wings that you can only see if you've seen someone die." Remus said and Peter made a pathetic noise.

"They pull the carriages up to the castle…" I purred and took great satisfaction in seeing Peters terrified face. I know he saved Harry's life and died doing so but still… he's the reason Lily and James DIES and that Sirius ends up in Azkaban! Now that's pretty much unforgivable in my eyes. I know, I'm a horrible person.

"Seriously?" Sirius said with a raised eyebrow.

"Seriously."

"How'd you know?"

"I read it. In a book. From the future…"

"You and your future."

I smiled a big, innocent smile at him. "Yes, me and my future."

"You should take Divination."

"No thank you."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't like Trelawney."

"Who?"

"Oh right… she doesn't begin working until 1980…" That's the year Harry was born… I looked at James. "You get married early." I immediately smacked my hand over my mouth.

"I WHAT?" James looked shocked. Sirius looked shocked. Peter… was laughing? Remus smiled a bit even.

"Nothing…" I squeaked out.

Sirius was seriously laughing his ass off now. Okay, I'm going to stop with the 'Sirius seriously'-thing now. It's getting annoying.

"WHO do I marry?" James pretty much screamed out, scaring the crap out of some second-years.

"What's with him?" Lily had appeared in the stairs and looked with a raised eyebrow at James who was gaping like a goldfish. Sirius was rolling on the floor laughing. Seri- dammit!

"Apparently, James here is going to get married early…" Remus said with a mocking smile. So he wasn't always innocent… or something like that.

"Really? Well, good luck with that." Lily sounded skeptical and I really couldn't help but silently agree with that. She turned around and walked up the stairs again while James was silently mouthing "who?" over and over again.

I turned to Remus and, with a meaning glance at James and Sirius, said: "Take care of them, please?" Remus nodded and I turned around and hurried after Lily up the stairs just to get past that whole introduction-thingy.

"Hi!" I said excitedly and beamed at her. She looked at me in a weird way. At least I think it was in a weird way, I don't know what she looks like when she looks at people in a weird way…

"Hi…"

"So, you know I'm the girl from the future who's going to attend classes with you and the guys despite not knowing any of the fundamentals of magic and therefore needs tutoring?"

She nodded. "Yes…"

"And Dumbledore said that you could do that!" I continued beaming at her. I thought all the muscles you use to smile was going to freeze in place before she answered.

"Yeah…"

"So is it okay with you?"

"Sure…"

"Okay, bye!" I skipped back into the common room and found the guys gone. I looked around. There was no one there. I began stalking up the stairs to their dorms and looked at each door until I came to the end of the stairs and found the sign that said "Fifth Year" and opened. They were all wide awake apparently, including some other guys so I guessed that there weren't just five guys this year (seriously, Harry's year must have been the smallest ever).

"Hello!" I jumped into the room and Peter fell off his bed.

Everybody looked at me like I was crazy. I beamed at them.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius said in a seri- Fuck!

"It's like midnight…" James yawned.

"Only midnight..?" I said. "Jeesh… you really go to sleep at midnight?" I asked them with my eyebrows raised.

"It's school tomorrow…" Peter piped up.

I sighed and shook my head. "I've stayed up an entire night on a school night! Sure I was dead tired the next day but… You can at least stay up an hour more?"

"You know, you're not allowed here…" James began and looked at Sirius. I wonder if they're like Fred and George… maybe…

"We'd best get you out of here…" Sirius finished off with a devilish(ly handsome) grin. They both looked at me, grinning like little devils.

"Whoa, okay, I'm going!" I said, my hands raised as if to guard them off.

They just kept grinning, and suddenly I found myself tackled to the ground (floor) by two guys about twice my size (seriously, I'm like the definition of small).

"Ouch… You know… this could totally look weird from another angle…" I said and tried to imagine the situation without going off to fangirl-heaven.

They just sniggered and heaved me up and carried me out of their dorm and through the common room (which had been filled by sixth years and seventh years who hadn't gone to bed yet) with me trying to break free.

"This is SO not fair!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

"Quit whining." Sirius said as they began climbing the stairs to the girl's dorm. Wait, does that mean that they don't know…?

Suddenly the stairs turned into a slide and we all ended up in a pile on the floor. Again.

"Didn't you know that you guys can't get up those stairs?" I giggled at their dumbfounded faces.

"No…"

"We've never tried before…"

I kept giggling and got up easily since I was on top (hehe…). "Well goodnight then, I won't keep you from your beauty sleep…" I said and skipped up the stairs leaving the two of them on the floor while the older students laughed at them (okay, us… but anyway…).

I quickly found my dorm and to my surprise there was already a new bed standing there. I tried to tip-toe over the floor in order to not wake the other girls. I really think I did a good job.

Lily got the greatest idea ever I think, which was "wake up the new girl so she doesn't oversleep the first day of school", even though I didn't think so at first. I hate people waking me up.

So, when I dragged myself down in borrowed school robes (Lily again, and this girl called Mary whose last name I didn't quite catch) to the Great Hall I didn't stand out quite as much as I did the day before. I quickly found the guys at the end of the Gryffindor table eating. A lot. I wonder how the hell they keep themselves so fit. Okay, Moony wasn't really a question, and Peter wasn't really athletic but the other two…

"So, what have we got today?" I said and grabbed some toast.

"McGonagall's just handing out the schedules." Moony replied and nodded at said witch who was just giving them to Lily and the other girls.

"Oh."

When McGonagall came to us she tapped me on the shoulder with a rolled up parchment-piece.

"Ms. Pettersson, as I'm sure you know already, in the third year at Hogwarts students add new subjects to their curriculum…" She trailed off with a somewhat questioning tone.

"Yes, professor."

"Do you know which classes you'd like to study?"

I thought for a moment. "Care of Magical Creatures, Ancient Runes and… what do you guys study?"

"Arithmancy, Ancient Runes, Muggle Studies." Remus said with his mouth full of bacon. He honestly looked starving.

"Care of Magical Creatures, Muggle Studies and Divination." Came from both James and Sirius, which surprised me a bit. I reminded myself to ask them sometime.

"Care of Magical Creatures, Divination and Ancient Runes." Peter piped up and now I really was surprised. I mean, Hermione once got a rune wrong, how many runes did Peter get wrong?

"Okay… well I don't like Divination that much and I suck at anything that involves counting, so I'll just take Muggle Studies."

"Aren't you muggleborn?" James asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes."

"Then why would you read about Muggles?" Sirius said.

"Because it will be funny to see how many things wizards get wrong."

James and Sirius looked at each other. Then they shrugged and began stuffing themselves full of anything in sight.

"Care of Magical Creatures, Ancient Runes and Muggle Studies…" McGonagall tapped a schedule with her wand and gave it to me. I silently groaned. I wouldn't have any of my "new" classes today. Instead, I'd have double-hours potions, History of Magic (which I'll from now on just call history because otherwise it's so long to say and write) in the morning although the afternoon would get better with DADA and Charms.

"Before you go off to your potions class however, Dumbledore wanted me to take you to his office where he and Ollivander are waiting."

"Now? Professor?"

"Yes. I trust you've eaten?"

I looked down at my plate. Well yes, I had eaten. A bit of toast and then I'd had some tea, which was normal breakfast for me so I nodded and got up to face my doom… Just kidding. Hehe…

McGonagall led me through the hallways of the castle and I desperately tried to remember the way. I didn't. Of course, I'd probably find my way down to the dungeons for potions. I mean come on, you basically just have to go down the stairs all the time, right?

"Peppermint Toad." Dumbledore sure had weird candy preferences. McGonagall ushered me to step up on the stairs-thingy (which is just awesome) but didn't deign to follow me. I guess she had people to teach stuff.

At the end of the stairs I found the door to Dumbledore's office open and walked in immediately.

Dumbledore was talking to Ollivander who looked just as creepy as one could imagine. Creepy meaning fucking awesome.

"Hello Fawkes." I said, thereby announcing my presence.

"Ah, miss Pettersson, I see you're familiar with my phoenix." Dumbledore said with a smile.

"Yes, sir. They're beautiful creatures. I hear they're pretty good singers too." I added the last part jokingly and Dumbledore chuckled.

"Indeed they are. Well, to the matter at hand, miss Pettersson, this is Mr. Ollivander, as I am sure you know already." Those blue eyes glittered as he sat down behind his desk.

"Indeed I do, professor. Good morning Mr. Ollivander." I said and nodded to him. What? I can be polite if I want to…

"Good morning, miss Pettersson." Creepy voice is creepy. And awesome, but I guess you knew that already. Without further conversation he took out a measuring tape that began to measure me on its own while Ollivander fiddled with one hell of a lot of boxes for a while.

When the measuring tape finally was done Ollivander picked up a box and opened it and handed the wand in it to me.

"Try this, vine, twelve and a half inches, unicorn hair." I took the wand and gave it a wave. A pile of books on a table behind Dumbledore's desk decided to rip their pages out in a comical yet suicidal manner. I smiled apologetically at Dumbledore and gave the wand back to Ollivander.

"No, not the one… hmm… here, holly, eleven inches and phoenix feather."

I almost choked on my tongue when I heard that. Holy shit! Was basically the only thing going through my mind as I took the wand and pointed it at the already destroyed books. For some reason they began to tap dance. Ollivander decided that no, that was not the wand for me (which I already knew of course…) and gave me another one.

Possibly a dozen wands later, with the books looking as if they had been chopped up and then left dangerously close to a fire, Ollivander took up a very shiny, dark red wand for me. I have to say that I loved the look of it.

"Rosewood, eleven and three quarter inches long. Dragon heartstring, unyielding." I took the wand from him and immediately a pleasant warmth spread from it and through my entire being. It emitted some silvery sparks and Ollivander clapped his hands.

"Marvelous." Was all he said before he, with a flick of his own wand, got all the other boxes of wands to fly into a trunk that looked a little too small to be able to contain them all.

"Very well, miss Pettersson, you may go to your class now. Although I suppose that you want your textbooks first." Dumbledore said and smiled and returned the books to their former glory before giving them to me. I said goodbye to him and Ollivander before I skipped down to Potions class. Gee, what a strange way to end a sentence. Skipping down to Potions class… Seriously.

* * *

**A/N: So yeah, this took a very long time to write... XD**

**If there's any references to anything in here I probably don't own it (okay, most definitely don't own it) and yadda yadda copyright stuff...**

**And yes, that second wand was totally Harry's wand ;) I was thinking of mahogany for me first but I decided that no, I don't want a wand the same material as James's and decided to go with rosewood (which from some pictures are a dark red and I luuuuuv it ^^). Apparently Fleur's wand was made of rosewood but whatever XD And I noticed that a lot of people have wands with dragon heartstring in it, seriously, I can't remember all of them I just know it ended with Viktor Krum, hehe...**

**So, I'll be at my grandmother's house for about a week, which means no internet, but I'll try to write as much as I can on the next chapter, though I'll probably have to cram it in between studying and stuff or something along those lines...**

**Meanwhile, why don't you all go and check out imafeckingstarr's stories? :) She wrote one where she got sucked into Tom Riddle-era which was what got me to finally decide to write this story, it's finished now and she's writing the sequel :)**

**Also, if anyone wonders why the title of this story isn't the same on the site as it says in the actual story, it's because it's just called "Holy... crap!" on my computer and I kind of had to come up with something that didn't include a (full) swear... and then forgot to mention it in the prologue ^^**


	3. Chapter 2: Classes? Noo

**Chapter 2: Classes? Noo…**

I tip-toed into the dungeon and potions classroom and put my cauldron up next to Lily Potter, woups, Evans, who conveniently stood just next to the guys. Probably not because she wanted it, more like James had decided to stalk her. Snape was on the other side of the classroom.

"So, what are we making?" I whispered.

"Whatever we want." Lily said while she crushed some beetles.

"Really?"

"Whatever's in our textbook that is."

"Aw… too bad…" I started flipping between the pages of the book in search for something I could do in about one and a half hour, and didn't notice the strange look she gave me. How I can know that she gave me a strange look that I didn't notice is beyond me however. Ah well…

I quickly found a potion I thought I'd read about in the Harry Potter books, the Draught of Peace, and if I did remember correctly it was quite advanced. And I've never taken a potions class ever before. This should be interesting…

The class passed and Slughorn decided to inspect our potions with the usual remarks. Peter's potion was pretty much a disaster from what I could see; it looked and smelled like cow dung. Slughorn was more than pleased with seeing that Snape had actually attempted to brew Veritaserum. _And fucking succeeding!_ It earned him twenty points. Lily had attempted to make a potion which I didn't catch the name of and it was so well done that apparently she got ten points for it. Probably because it wasn't that high above her level.

I was really nervous when Slughorn decided to look at my little draught of Peace. It was supposed to be turquoise when done, and I can proudly say that it was at least a similar colour.

Slughorn exclaimed loudly of how my advanced potion was one of the best he'd ever seen a student that wasn't on N.E.W.T-level make (yeah, seriously! I just _know_ that Snape was pissed off when he heard that).

And then came the questions.

"Have you ever brewed such advanced potions before?" Slughorn said and I swear the entire class was listening.

"No professor." I said truthfully. "I've never brewed a potion in my life."

"Oh-ho! Talented are we? What made you pick this potion then, instead of something easier?"

"It looked interesting?" I smiled a big kind of questioning and apologetic smile (what kind of smile is that? There's just no better way to describe it…)

Slughorn chuckled. "Either way, twenty points to Gryffindor."

To say the least, I was the object of every Gryffindors admiration as soon as the class ended. Well, aside from Lily, but I'd be pissed too if someone suddenly came along and pretty much outshone me in a class I was good at.

History of Magic was a sad story. Professor Binns pretty much did what he always did, muttered about goblins and stuff. James and Sirius were playing hangman on a piece of parchment and even Remus looked like he'd rather be somewhere else. I, with the thought of the fricking O.W.L's in my head desperately tried to follow what Binns was reading in my book but found it useless. Instead I began writing down stuff for a fantasy novel I'd been working on for a year and a half (silently cursing the fact that I didn't have my laptop and that electrical things wouldn't work around magic). By the end of the lesson I had a ridiculous amount of notes for said fantasy novel and the history of that world.

"How'd you manage to write so much down of what Binns said?" Sirius asked me with an incredulous look on his face at lunch when he saw the amount of text on the parchment.

"I didn't." I said and shuffled a sausage in and nearly burned my tongue off in the process.

"Then what's all this?" James said and snatched one of the parchments that were already full of text.

"Notes for a story." I said and shrugged and took the parchment from James.

"Who in their right mind would call an elf beautiful?" James said and pointed with his fork on a sentence with a character description of a 'beautiful elf' and I mentally face-palmed and sighed. Sirius was laughing out loud.

"There are different kinds of elves." I said explanatory. "The elves I'm writing about aren't like house-elves, they are far more like humans. Only really attractive and stuff."

James looked confused. I sighed and pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill and ink bottle and began to draw. And let me tell you, it's HARD to draw with a quill.

Five minutes later I gave James the parchment and resumed eating. He stared at it a long time.

"Wow…" was all he said. "You're good."

I shrugged. "Practice makes perfect."

"Nuh-uh, I couldn't draw like that even if I practiced ten years."

"Well I've practiced my entire life and I'm still a novice when it comes to drawing." I said as-a-matter-of-factly, which was true. Seriously, everyone's like 'omg, you're good!' while I'm like '… nah, let's try again'. It's annoying, really.

So, anyway… oh right, Defence Against the Dark Arts, wow that's long… in Swedish it's just called "Försvar Mot Svartkonster" which literally means Defence Against Black Arts. Ah, the small differences in language…

Our professor was professor Hopkirk, some relative to that Mafalda Hopkirk at the something for improper magic something… It wasn't Mafalda, I was pretty sure of that. In fact, I'm completely positive considering it was a guy. Yeah, I totally just referred to a person as "it", hehehehehehehehehehe shut up. Why are all the teachers of DADA guys? Well, except for Umbridge, but she's not really a competent teacher. Also, Joe Walker… *drools*

Now, we were apparently supposed to learn about werewolves. Me and the guys exchanged meaning glances and then we shaped up. Can't let anyone know of Lupins furry little problem. It was boring and prejudiced. The textbook was old and referred to werewolves as beasts with a very small brain, insatiable thirst for blood and even in their human form as lower beings. And naturally, me being anti-everyfuckingprejudicethereis I had to open my mouth.

"So, basically, what you're saying is that all werewolves are beasts that should be gathered into a room and killed off one by one?"

Everyone stared at me. Particularly Remus. Lol, a moment ago he was Lupin, hehe XD.

"Miss Pettersson, werewolves are beasts. They're only human for part of the time and-"

"Oh yeah, so I'm guessing people who are animagi are beast as well. They're only human _part of the time_." I said sarcastically. "It's like the entire wizarding world goes Nazi on everyone who have been victims of a werewolf, and mind you, most of those werewolves aren't even _aware_ of what they're doing unless they're consciously targeting people. It's like this world doesn't even want to help people infected, everyone just shuns them."

James raised his hand and professor Hopkirk nodded for him to talk.

"What's a Nazi?"

"It's from muggle history. You see, there was this guy named Adolf Hitler, and he lived in Germany. Now, things hadn't gone that well for Germany since the last World War and he blamed it on the Jewish people-"

"Who are the Jewish people?" Sirius said.

"They believe in the same God as Christians, and in case you didn't know, it was the Christian people that hunted most witches and wizards. And werewolves in France I think. Anyway, now the Jews are pretty much the people that came up with the very religion that soon created Christianity and then Islam, and they had to put up with loads of shit. For example they were slaves in Egypt for a very long time until Moses came along and led them out of there which is also where they got a lot of rules and stuff, and there happened to be a lot of Jews spread around the world because their original country had been taken over by some guys that didn't want to give it back and Hitler blamed the Jews, created a political party shortened to Nazi, and began shipping them off to camps where they worked until they died."

There was a long silence.

"So, this Hitler was like You-Know-Who?"

"Pretty much. And Nazis are like pureblood maniacs who hate muggle-borns and muggles."

"Miss Pettersson, I don't think you understand the difference here…" Professor Hopkirk began and I raised my eyebrows. "Werewolves are_ beasts_, these Jews you're talking about were obviously humans."

"Werewolves are only so-called beasts because you make them out to be so. Try to find a way to cure lycanthropy, or at least a way to lessen its effects, and treat werewolves like actual human beings when they're in their human form and you'll probably see that they'll be quite nice. If you've treated them well all the time that is, I have a feeling that some werewolves aren't that nice people at all just because they were treated like shit."

"Oh, really? Where do you get this idea?"

"Well, a lot of times people treated badly might not like the people that treated them badly, and some might even dislike that group of people in general."

"Could you perhaps give an example?"

"Oh, gee… an example… well, in the muggle world there's something called sexism… it means that someone thinks that the other gender is less worth. Now, it just happens to be way more common for guys to do that, being misogynistic that is, and there's a movement of women, and sometimes men, that are opposed to that and call themselves feminists. Now, most people think that all feminists hate men and everything about them, but that's only true in a few cases. There's also racism which is pretty much the same thing."

"None of this has anything to do with werewolves, miss, so if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get this lesson going. Five points from Gryffindor for wasting time."

I stared at him. Then I leaned back in my chair and muttered to myself. "Herre min jävla gud, hur fan kan en lärare vara så jävla korkad? Tur att han inte kommer vara kvar nästa år…"

"What did you say, Miss Pettersson?"

"Oh, nothing of importance. I was just expressing my thoughts of this conversation." I smiled a bright smile at him and he looked at me with a bored expression.

"Five points from Gryffindor again."

Asshole.

"Hey… Emelie…" Lupin began. I really can't decide whether to call him Remus or Lupin or Moony.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks." He looked down shyly.

"Any time."

"Yeah, thanks!" James said excitedly. "You really kicked ass in there." For some reason I had the horrible feeling that I was blushing. I hate blushing.

"It was nothing. I hate prejudices."

"Doesn't that make you prejudiced against prejudices?" Sirius said and managed to catch Peter from stepping through the vanishing step in the staircase.

"Oh, cheese, don't even get me started on that…"

"…"

"…"

"Cheese?"

"Yeah, instead of 'jeez'."

"Okay…"

"Anyway…" I sighed. "Aren't you guys supposed to be funny?"

For some reason they looked insulted.

"What do you mean?"

"You haven't done anything funny yet."

"Gee, thanks."

"You're welcome." I smiled a big, fake smile. "Hey, can I see the map?" James whipped out his wand (not that wand, you perv ;P) and pointed it at me.

"_Silencio._"

I opened my mouth and tried to protest. No sound came out.

"_Hey that's not fair! I hate you._" I tried to say.

"What's that?" Sirius said mockingly as he and James grabbed my arms and dragged me into an empty classroom, Peter following anxiously and Remus somewhat slower.

I shook myself free and managed to get a hold of my wand, pointed it at James and thought _Levicorpus!_ It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it was, because he found himself hanging from the ceiling instantly. I smiled a smug smile.

"Hey! How the hell did you do that?" James shouted and I almost dropped him. Didn't he know? I mean, he used it himself on Snape!

"_You don't know?_" I tried to say but obviously it didn't work, so I signed for Remus to heave the charm.

"Oh right, _Finite Incantatem_." He paused. "Do you think that _Sonorus_ would work?"

"Maybe." I replied and turned my attention to James. "You mean you don't know that spell?"

"No! I don't know that bloody spell!" He was waving around in the air and was slowly turning around in a circle.

"But I saw you use it!"

"You- wait what?" He stared at me as I slowly drifted out of his sight.

I sighed and said: "I saw you use it next year." As if it was normal.

"Eh… would you mind to elaborate that a little bit?"

Woups… it seems like I'm revealing a lot of things I probably shouldn't tell. But on the other hand… he has to learn the spell…

"Okay, in the future, like 1995, hey that's when I was born… anyway… in 1995, I think…"

"Would you _please_ get to the point?"

"Shut up!" I whined. "It takes a while for me to get to the point when I have to worry about not revealing too much of the future!"

James sighed impatiently. "_Fine!_"

"Look, do you want to get down from there without breaking your neck? Because I, _only_ I – okay that's not true… at least one more here at Hogwarts… - knows the counter-whatever it's classified as." I said and waved my wand around little. It was extremely funny to see that James followed my every movement like a puppet.

"Yes!"

"Good. Then shut up!"

"Eh, Emelie… you're obviously a witch, so why don't you just cast a silencing spell?"

"First of all, it's a charm, and secondly, I've never cast it and you guys have five years of magical experience whereas my experience comes from _reading books_, and theory and practice are two _completely _different things." Yes, I am a know-it-all. I'm like a Hermione, with more of Ginny's personality I guess. So I'm a Lily? I'm confused.

"Just get on with it."

"Shut up or I'll _accio_ your balls here and you won't be so cocky anymore."

James visibly paled. "You wouldn't do that."

"Okay, I wouldn't do that, after all… världens öde hänger liksom på dina ballar…"

"What was that last part?"

"Nothing of importance…"

"Okay…"

"…"

"…"

"Anyway, in 1995, this person… let's call him Harry,"

"Why 'Harry'?" Sirius asked.

"… because he's hairy…"

"Hagrid?"

"… No… anyway, this Harry-person had the good luck to always get in trouble, and he first witnessed some Death Eaters use this spell on some muggles… that's not where I learned it by the way, believe me, and then later the following year he managed to catch a glimpse of some weird light and he accidentally found Dumbledore's pensieve…"

"What's a 'pensieve'?" Remus asked.

"This kind of bowl-like thing that contains memories."

"What?"

"Yeah, although, this memory wasn't Dumbledore's it was… somebody else's… anyway, in that memory, you used this on that somebody… and this Harry-person encountered the same spell the next year, although he didn't know that, it was just scribbled in a textbook and below that it said 'non-verbal' so he just thought it, and mind you, he s_ucked_ at non-verbal spells so that's why I thought I could try it despite him being sixteen at the time, and his friend somehow got stuck hanging from the ceiling. And that's when this Harry-person found the counter-thingie, which, by the way, is _Liberacorpus_." James fell down from the ceiling and landed with a thud.

"Ouch…" he stood up and rubbed his ass. Lol, that reminds me of a latin saying that goes something like 'a_sinus asinum fricat_' or something like that. It means: the jackass rubs the jackass, but I guess you didn't really want to know that… on with the story!

"Yeah, sorry, it didn't say anything about how to not make the fall like that."

"Sure…"

"It's true! Although the person who came up with it isn't really the nicest person in the world… but hey, his good deeds kind of weighs up the bad stuff."

"And what's that?" James said doubtfully.

"Oh, nothing, he just risks his life for the good side a really long time and kind of saves the hero, gives him his memories that lead to the hero knowing what to do next and thus saving the world. Or at least Britain."

"Seriously?"

"Yes."

"Doesn't that kind of violate your own rules about not revealing the future?"

"Nah, I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Telling you _that_ however, would do so."

"We hate you." Sirius said.

"I love you too." I smiled a bright smile at them. "Anyway, what about the map?"

"First you tell me what that spell is." James crossed his arms and looked at me stubbornly.

I sighed mentally. "_Fine_… just so you know, I'm not letting you use it on me and turning me upside down."

He blinked. "And why is that?"

"… I'm wearing a skirt."

"Oh?" He smiled devilishly. "And what's going to stop me?"

"Well, we could always just you know… do an Unbreakable Vow." I smiled evilly at him.

"You would do that?"

"No, but I know the counter-thingie for the spell and a shielding charm so haha on you."

"I never said haha."

"Just promise you won't use it on me, and in return I'll tell you about a room that you're not allowed to put on the map because that would probably change the future. It is however, useful information because it's useful."

"The information is useful because it's useful?" Lupin said slowly. Yeah I called him Lupin despite referring to him as Remus just 463 words ago. INCONSISTENCY FTW! … sorry…

"Yeah I'm not following you…" Sirius said slowly.

I sighed impatiently. "The _room_ is useful, you nincompoops!" Don't ask. I just like the word.

"How can a room be useful?"

"Well… it goes by the name of the Room of Requirement and it turns into whatever you need at the moment?"

"… Awesome." They said in unison.

"I know, right? I can also tell you where the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets is located, but it won't do you any good because you need to speak Parseltongue to get in and it's _incredibly _dangerous if one thinks of Slytherins monster down there…"

"How the hell do you know all this?" Remus said (Lupin 125 words ago… but who's counting? By the way, did he just swear? Oh well…).

"It's in the books."

"Would you mind telling me what books they are?"

"… well, you probably won't find them so what the hell. The Philosopher's Stone, the Chamber of Secrets, the Prisoner of Azkaban, the Goblet of Fire, the Order of the Phoenix, The Half-blood Prince and the Deathly Hallows."

"Well that sounds ominous." Sirius said.

"I know."

"So who's the prisoner of Azkaban?"

"… just a person. Said person was a good guy who was betrayed and then he got framed."

"Who would frame someone?"

"A traitor, I guess. And probably Voldemort too but- what?"

Everyone was looking at me with their eyes nearly popping out of their sockets.

"Are you NUTS?"

"No."

"_You said HIS name!_"

"Indeed I did. But that doesn't make me crazy. The fear of a name increases the fear of the thing itself, as a wise wizard said once. Or will say. Whatever."

"Right, just teach me the spell."

"Promise that you won't use it on me and that you won't reveal the location of the Room of Requirement or the Chamber of Secrets to anyone _or_ put it on the map."

"Fine, I promise."

"Not good enough. All of you, repeat after me: 'I, your name…"

"I, your name…"

"Hey, hey, hey! Be serious about this okay? When I say, 'your name', you guys say your names, and I mean James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, not something else."

They did as I told them.

"… Solemnly swear that I, your name, will never, ever, reveal the location of the Room of Requirement to anyone, I swear this on my Marauder and Gryffindor honour on the pain of my dick and balls falling off. Permanently."

The same went for the Chamber of Secrets, and I could tell that they weren't happy about the last part. Hehe, I'm so evil ^^

* * *

**I just realized that I'm writing about my past… seriously, in the story I'm fifteen and it's September, however, this September I'll already be sixteen… so I'm writing about past me. I have no clue what I was doing on the train, because from what I recall I never really was on the train last year…  
****It also means that that fantasy-story I'm talking about had probably just been started. Lolz XD**

**Also, sorry for drifting away from the whole "teach Jamesie Levicorpus"-thingie so much… I had a fever. I still have it. Although I'm writing this in advance so I don't know if I'll still have it by the time I upload this… **

**And w00t for Dragon Age and AVPM references! AND mentioning Joe Walker (*drools*) in the same chapter! (Don't own any of those things so... Disclaimer!)**

**Oh, right, translations for the Swedish parts:  
****_"Herre min jävla gud, hur fan kan en lärare vara så jävla korkad? Tur att han inte kommer vara kvar nästa år…"  
_****_= "Lord my (god)damn God, how the hell can a teacher be so damn stupid? Lucky he won't be here anymore next year…"  
_****Kind of. I'd like to switch the "damn"-parts with "fuck" but if one wants the exact word it would be more like "damn" or "darn". Although "jävla" comes from the Swedish for Devil (djävul) so yeah… also, yes it's "lord". Though it would sound better in English if it was "oh"...**

**And…  
****"_världens öde hänger liksom på dina ballar…"  
_****= _"The fate of the world kind of hangs on your balls…"_**

**And I don't know how I managed with that potion. I'm a genius, lets just leave it at that for now...**


End file.
